Avoiding another F2F TRIGGER WARNING

I have marked the title trigger warning as I am aware there are many users here with MH issues and I do not want to make anyone unwell, however I need to be open in this post.

Basically my psych problems stem from severe abuse as a child. The suicide attempts started very young and have continued up until 2010. I have done well in the last 6 years and not made any attempts on my life. I have, however suffered from suicidal thoughts.

I do not want to discuss details but there were 3 near fatal incidents. Even the doctors were surprised I survived one of them, but I guess I must have a strong physical body.

I had a letter from a psychologist and my MP also wrote to them telling them a F2F was completely inappropriate. Nonetheless I was called to one and it caused me to become unwell and develop paranoid thoughts (I believed I was under covert surveillance). I also had suicidal thoughts, but managed to avoid a suicide attempt/self-harm.

I got an award and am over the moon about it as I thought the best I could hope for was standard care and I got a lot more than that. However my big fear is the fact it is a short award and in only one year, they will start dragging me through this hell again. Although I got a good award, it has made me ill and I am still recovering from the whole ordeal.

I do not want to be put through this again. I have spoken to ATOS and they suggested a formal complaint so it can be investigated as to who thought a F2F was a good idea, when all the evidence said it was not. However I am scared I will end up in their "bad books" and they may then just penalise me when I have to go for the renewal.

What should I do about this? I am not scared about putting written forms in, I can cope with that. It is just the threat of another degrading assessment that is really worrying me.