Hi

Hi people

Have been looking at all of this for a few days now and my mind is blown, feel on the verge of depression and am frustrated and arsey. Have copied and pasted a post I put on another forum yesterday below.


"OK first thing

After procrastinating about this for a week, theh hours today of doing everything but write, the start writing it, in the middle of Stimming (get up/get down) and discomfort in having to stay around one place for a while, then a whole hour writing it, I managed to delete the entire post. This has left me feeling trapped, manic and almost depressed as I had opened up and been raged for a while.

In some ways this is actually proves some things I was trying to say anyway, as it's the way things are doing this kind of stuff. This post now might be disjointed as part of me will be thinking to what I wrote earlier, but doesn't come out the same. Will just write as it comes to me.

To give a backstory, was diagnosed with Aspergers/ADHD/HFA with comorbids of OCD/Anxiety and PTSD. This has only happened over the past two years, before then obviously there have been big struggles and issues but knew no different. Left a job environment also around a year and half ago and since then have been on JSA. As with school/college/job this has also caused big anxiety as although it only normally been every two weeks it's still not an environment that works for me regular on environments which you look at there are not either. The time and space away from that though have meant I have been able to learn and grow a lot more about how things are, and also realise how wrong a lot of the things I have been around (NT environments) are for me to be me. Eventually signed off sick from the JSA as after a while i was told about a work programme I would have to go to which would have been even more regular and again not a good environment. During this time have spoke with Drs etc who advised and had no issue signing fit notes to do this. Time away from that has allowed me to grow even further but only last so long and will have to convert from JSA to ESA. There are obviously issues day to day but having time and space to deal with them in my own way. There is a load I could add but that's just what got me to here.

Another thing I remember writing the first time (!!!!) was that away from all this when I am not in a medical environment or calls to advice lines/forums etc, it's not always the way I see things, a lot of it is labels. Although it is very real (and I think I take for granted how it is, the past hours frustration and episode shows that!) I am me, and it's finding and building things that work for me and knowing what is and isn't right. something iv read on here that was really well said though is the fact that when you are in a good environment for yourself (like now) it's hard to then portray how it is when the environment isn't that way, without time and space or an honest mindset for you.

Have looked and had advice on the ESA procedure and could be easy to fall into thinking of almost being too "honest" in the ways that Iv said above and not getting over the struggles, someone I called the other day said you could almost appear too positive. The support group is what I am looking to get, as the other work group option couldn't be more of what wouldn't be right in terms of environment and interaction etc, but it is getting that across well. An example of this is I can drive (took 10 times to pass/heavy test anxiety/couldn't eat etc) but it wouldn't make a driving job with targets or routine or any pressure suitable. I can use an iPad to write this, but am forever stimming (standing up/sitting down) and have heavy mental fatigue and burnout, as well as the uncomfortable feeling of being in one place. I can talk, but in environments that are uncomfortable it's shuts down or becomes a mixture of overtalking and over sharing which can make things strange, it's only since leaving the work environment I can say some things to my own mum and dad! Think sometimes the stereotype of this condition can be to be dumb or limited and that couldn't be more wrong, but it doesn't mean there aren't issues that rule out certain things. A lot of this comes to me from times when I knew no better as I didn't know any of this, and the trauma from that still affects me day to day.

I said all this a load better in the first draft I did, but have looked at the ESA setup and would be looking to the support group as the way to go, am now begining to feel burnout from all this writing and thinking what I wrote before, any thoughts would be appreciated, if only you'd seen the post I did before!"

Since this post have spoken to a couple of other people today to get more information, as well as having a sleepless night full of what ifs and frustrating thoughts. Will post fresh when my mind is clear, just wanted to start off and see if there are any thoughts from you guys.

Appreciate it, if it's not too clear right now it's how it is!

Hi

Thanks for your reply, won't let me change the name thing, if you could do it I'd appreciate it, thanks for letting me know.

Right now my head is all over the place and the whole thing has become an all the time though. I had this when I was in a job, which was an all the time thought of how wrong it was (even before knowing about austism etc) and now it's this. Which isn't good as what its showing is that the past weeks have been the first time EVER that Iv not had this, and it's almost taken for granted. Things like monitoring/routines/procedures/criticism/comments etc are not a part of my world right now and that's allowing me to get some clarity (not always). I can also get a good sleep because if I'm stimming or thinking till 3am I don't have to wake So can naturally wake, that is a major thing. I can go out or not go out, I might have to open and close the car door a few times or avoid cracks in the pavement or walk backwards and forwards but I can do this without an "all the time Thought" hanging over So I can be more present than I ever have before (until all this). The biggest concern apart from trauma from being in past situations has been the thought of again being in those kind of situations, it's not the answer or the way.

One thing that is spinning my mind is the idea of "cabability", was talking with some (an aspergers advisor) today and she said it can be almost too high functioning, againthis is something I take for granted right now because of environment. She said that because I can speak clearly and portray things too her that could then be seen as "well if he can talk on the phone he could easily work in something like a call centre". Which again is completely wrong. It doesn't mean I could stay sitting in a seat for a while, or say the same things, or "false talk", or be in targeted environments or have to do the same thing, Iv just had a conversation once about me. I can talk and talk all day but doesn't make it focused it's just whatever comes to me, and can be heavily burned out afterwards as well as overstating and being too "honest", which again could be an issue with these forms and an assessment.

Another thought that is with me is the thought of an alternative to a support group (work based support?). That couldn't be more uncomfortable in terms of what it is having looked into it, as with the jsa situation it's going into an uncomfortable environment and be surrounded by things not good to me anyway, as well as the idea of being sent to "training" groups etc. This would cause heavy anxiety and the same kind of arguing I had in the job environment I had before.

Will probably post more on here as I don't have another outlet right now (my family know none of this), just writing this stuff down I hate as it almost making things real that are feelings based to me, it's almost like having to prove I am me which is weird and wrong. Away from this the view I believe is that I am me, and the bigger picture is finding/creating an environment that supports that (again time and space). That has only been able to happen without all of the "all the time thoughts".

Hi PB,

Don't worry - as you can see, the system has changed your username

I will re-iterate the previous advice - whether you are allocated to the WRAG or Support Group (or awarded main phase ESA at all) is entirely down to you showing how you meet the, very specific, criteria. DWP do not have to consider whether you could work, what job you might be able to do or whether there is anyone who would employ you, so don't waste your time and energy on things that are not relevant to the claim.

Once awarded ESA, it is possible that you would be able to undertake 'permitted work'

Permitted Work

TBH my mind is blown by it all, what do mean by relevance? Right now I'm thinking what to put, what not to, have read the guide (which like you have written in it is a load to take in!), but have to try and filter it, because I get the feeling that writing or describing the right things over a few specific pages is better than the natural thing to me which is writing 155 pages of anything and everything! Have spoken to a GP who will write a letter supporting what I am saying, but so far it's been 4 sleepless nights!

Really appreciate all of your help and thoughts so far.